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Demetri Martin Quote: 'My plumbing is all screwed up. ...'

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Well, I screwed it up real good, didn't I?


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You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.
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It's funny; I actually made poorer decisions when I sobered up then when I was screwed up.


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Life is not living in the suburbs with a white picket fence. That's not life. Somehow our American culture has made it out that that's what life needs to be - and that if it's not that, it's all screwed up. It's not.
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Further, the next generation of terrorists will grow up in a digital world, with ever more powerful and easy-to-use hacking tools at their disposal.
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I wish we did have responsibility for the hair. I have been screwed up by the hair on many occasions.
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When I go home my mother still makes me take out the garbage.


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Just as there's garbage that pollutes the Potomac river, there is garbage polluting our culture. We need an Environmental Protection Agency to clean it up.
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There is a garbage culture out there, where we pour garbage on people. Then the pollsters run around and take a poll and say, do you smell anything?
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Most of the time, I'm here in Michigan and I'm taking out the garbage every Monday.


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January is the garbage can of movies in America, directly after all the Oscar contenders have been out.
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