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Mitch Hedberg
American
February 24, 1968
Comedian
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
Tags:
Adult
Cheese
Macaroni
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg
Tags:
Great
You
Really
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg
Tags:
Like
Play
Sitting
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
Tags:
Me
Know
Woman
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg
Tags:
Women
Who
Life
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg
Tags:
Good
People
Like
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg
Tags:
Than
Way
Could
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
Tags:
Good
About
Get
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Mitch Hedberg
Tags:
Morning
Up
Made
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg
Tags:
You
Like
Go
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg
Tags:
Just
Never
Got
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg
Tags:
You
Get
Want
