Feel Quotes

I'm addicted to placebos.

Steven Wright

Tags: Addicted

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Steven Wright

Tags: Arrested Karaoke

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Steven Wright

Tags: He Enough Point

So, do you live around here often?

Steven Wright

Tags: You Around Live

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

Tags: Theory Evolution Adopted

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Steven Wright

Tags: Trying Mind Kept

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

Steven Wright

Tags: Time Having Young

How young can you die of old age?

Steven Wright

Tags: Age You How

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Steven Wright

Tags: You Would Back

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

Tags: Bad Clear Memory

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

Steven Wright

Tags: Get Out Going

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Steven Wright

Tags: You Would Going

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Steven Wright

Tags: Out Make Why

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

Steven Wright

Tags: Me Just Life

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

Steven Wright

Tags: Time Much Said

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Steven Wright

Tags: You About Think

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Steven Wright

Tags: God Think I Think

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

Steven Wright

Tags: People Like Make

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Steven Wright

Tags: Home Your Going

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Steven Wright

Tags: She Girl Wonderful

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Steven Wright

Tags: You He Him

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

Tags: Time Any French

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

Steven Wright

Tags: Me Your Write

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Steven Wright

Tags: You Any Guy

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Steven Wright

Tags: You Think Just

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

Steven Wright

Tags: Politics Like Want

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Steven Wright

Tags: He Other Every

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Steven Wright

Tags: Had Only Little

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

Steven Wright

Tags: Death First Could

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Steven Wright

Tags: Got Man Over

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

Steven Wright

Tags: Hope Just Really

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright

Tags: People Up Got

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

Steven Wright

Tags: Pet Me Because

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Steven Wright

Tags: People Think Just

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

Steven Wright

Tags: Funny Me Like

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

Steven Wright

Tags: Funny Like Get

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Steven Wright

Tags: Humor You Like

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Steven Wright

Tags: People Because Any

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

Steven Wright

Tags: Me About Never

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

Steven Wright

Tags: Imagination Like Very